Trying to Get Over It

It's been 2 months and 9 days now since my precious daughter grew wings. It's my first time ever writing anything about my daughter and the emotions I've experienced throughout this ordeal and although my fingers are trembling while doing so, I have a comforting feeling that this will help with my healing. It took a while for me to even check my blog because my previous post talks about my excitement of finally being a mother. I write this not for sympathy but mostly for my own peace-of-mind.

My daughter, Si'iva Journey Auelua, was born Sept. 2, 2009. She weighed 1 lb., 1.8 oz. and was 11" tall. She lived a full hour and 4 minutes after birth and was absolutely beautiful. People said she looked like her daddy and I totally agreed. We went through the pregnancy wondering who she would look like and although my money was on my daughter looking like me, I was happy she looked like her dad. It made me feel as though we truly did share her and she was a part of us both. I can't remember much of what happened at the hospital. I remember long nights and conversations with my husband. I remember him asking me on several occasions if I knew what was going on and if I know what happened. Not only was I physically numb due to all the medications I was given, but emotionally and mentally I was numb too. I wanted to believe that I just had a nightmare and I was going to wake up with a live and screaming baby. My husband talked me through everything. I started to even worry that my emotional state was becoming a monster hovering over the both of us. I soon had to figure out how to get over the slump I was in and had a plan to practice the saying, "Fake it til you Make it". As many times as I heard "she's in better hands", or "she's lucky to not have to live in this filthy world", it still wasn't really comforting. I wanted her to be in my hands, I wanted her to live in this world with me. She was my first and to have her stripped from me was just unfair. The worst feeling was leaving the hospital empty handed. It was then that it really started to hit me. I left the hospital a few days later with nothing but a memory box with her hand and footprints. I thought to myself, That's it?....This is all I get? I was robbed.

That same afternoon home from the hospital was also the day of her funeral. I made a funeral spray for her casket with all the flowers people brought when visiting me in the hospital. I wanted to do that for her and make her something with my own hands. It was a beautiful service. There was no program. My husband gave her a blessing and the words in his blessing were beautiful and was all that was needed in her little service.

I attended a funeral service for my uncle the following week. It was really hard for me. My dad gave a talk during the bishops service and I felt as though he were talking directly to me. One thing that stuck out to me in his talk was when he said, "The Lord does not break promises". I got to thinking about that and felt comfort in knowing that as long as I do what is asked of me here on earth, my reunion with my precious daughter will be a joyous one. That's what I am promised.

For the next month or so following her death the only thing that really kept me going was that one day ended and a new one began. I still to this day have my moments. I know there will be little milestones that I will have to face. My birthday last month was a hard one. You go through the first months of your pregnancy calculating how far a long you would be during the holidays and birthdays that when they do come around all you want to do is sit in your room and cry and be mad and angry at the world. After having my little episode on my birthday I decided that during the holidays this year I am going to remind myself of all the joy that Si'iva brought in to my life and celebrate the joy she brought in the little time she was here on earth. I long for that great and wondrous reunion in the heavens when I'll be able to wrap my arms around her and fulfill my duties as her mother. She is my world!

I live with peace in my heart knowing that FAMILIES ARE FOREVER! I love you Si'iva.