Trying to Get Over It

It's been 2 months and 9 days now since my precious daughter grew wings. It's my first time ever writing anything about my daughter and the emotions I've experienced throughout this ordeal and although my fingers are trembling while doing so, I have a comforting feeling that this will help with my healing. It took a while for me to even check my blog because my previous post talks about my excitement of finally being a mother. I write this not for sympathy but mostly for my own peace-of-mind.

My daughter, Si'iva Journey Auelua, was born Sept. 2, 2009. She weighed 1 lb., 1.8 oz. and was 11" tall. She lived a full hour and 4 minutes after birth and was absolutely beautiful. People said she looked like her daddy and I totally agreed. We went through the pregnancy wondering who she would look like and although my money was on my daughter looking like me, I was happy she looked like her dad. It made me feel as though we truly did share her and she was a part of us both. I can't remember much of what happened at the hospital. I remember long nights and conversations with my husband. I remember him asking me on several occasions if I knew what was going on and if I know what happened. Not only was I physically numb due to all the medications I was given, but emotionally and mentally I was numb too. I wanted to believe that I just had a nightmare and I was going to wake up with a live and screaming baby. My husband talked me through everything. I started to even worry that my emotional state was becoming a monster hovering over the both of us. I soon had to figure out how to get over the slump I was in and had a plan to practice the saying, "Fake it til you Make it". As many times as I heard "she's in better hands", or "she's lucky to not have to live in this filthy world", it still wasn't really comforting. I wanted her to be in my hands, I wanted her to live in this world with me. She was my first and to have her stripped from me was just unfair. The worst feeling was leaving the hospital empty handed. It was then that it really started to hit me. I left the hospital a few days later with nothing but a memory box with her hand and footprints. I thought to myself, That's it?....This is all I get? I was robbed.

That same afternoon home from the hospital was also the day of her funeral. I made a funeral spray for her casket with all the flowers people brought when visiting me in the hospital. I wanted to do that for her and make her something with my own hands. It was a beautiful service. There was no program. My husband gave her a blessing and the words in his blessing were beautiful and was all that was needed in her little service.

I attended a funeral service for my uncle the following week. It was really hard for me. My dad gave a talk during the bishops service and I felt as though he were talking directly to me. One thing that stuck out to me in his talk was when he said, "The Lord does not break promises". I got to thinking about that and felt comfort in knowing that as long as I do what is asked of me here on earth, my reunion with my precious daughter will be a joyous one. That's what I am promised.

For the next month or so following her death the only thing that really kept me going was that one day ended and a new one began. I still to this day have my moments. I know there will be little milestones that I will have to face. My birthday last month was a hard one. You go through the first months of your pregnancy calculating how far a long you would be during the holidays and birthdays that when they do come around all you want to do is sit in your room and cry and be mad and angry at the world. After having my little episode on my birthday I decided that during the holidays this year I am going to remind myself of all the joy that Si'iva brought in to my life and celebrate the joy she brought in the little time she was here on earth. I long for that great and wondrous reunion in the heavens when I'll be able to wrap my arms around her and fulfill my duties as her mother. She is my world!

I live with peace in my heart knowing that FAMILIES ARE FOREVER! I love you Si'iva.

FINALLY!!

WOW! It's been quite a while since my last post and sooo much has happened since November of last year. Besides it being my first post of the year I can say "FINALLY" to a lot of things that has happened in my life. LOL! HMMM....where to start. This year has been such an incredible year for us. To start off, my husband decided that he wanted to go back to school this year. "FINALLY" after years of saying he was going back to school he finally committed and completed his first semester of college successfully. He prides himself on never missing a class and having 100% attendance but I had to bust his bubble and remind him that attendance doesn't reflect on your grades and that it doesn't count when you show up to class to sign the roll and then politely ask your neighbor to take notes for you in exchange for anything from 7-11 while you sneak out early through the back door. LOL!! He did awesome this past semester and I'm soo proud of him.

My brother, Vini, received his mission call to San Bernadino, CA. "FINALLY!" Since my brother was in primary I can remember him always asking questions about when he would be able to serve a full-time mission. I think in the back of his head was an internal clock counting the days down for when he'd be able to serve a mission (my mom probably had one too). He's the first missionary in our immediate family and we're all soo proud of him. WE LOVE YOU VINI!

My bathroom is being remodelled. "FINALLY!" After years of having to put up with this ugly blue-cloud like paint on my bathroom walls and stars and moons as the border (compliments of the previous owners), it's finally come off. Thanks to the hubby who has finally got around to checking off things on his long Honey-Do list. You're the best!!

And "FINALLY!" WE'RE EXPECTING. Yup, that's right, we're going to be parents. After a few years of wanting and talking about having kids, we're finally expecting. So far, it's been such an experience. We're still on cloud nine and everything seems like a dream. We've had 2 doctor appointments so far where we've been able to see and hear a heart beat. Wow! Pretty amazing to now be experiencing something like this after seeing my younger sisters go through it.

That's most of it in a nutshell. A lot has definitely happened since the beginning of the year.

All "GOOD THINGS" Come To An End

6:30 a.m. - Snooze.......7:00 a.m. - Snooze........7:15 a.m. - Snooze........7:30 a.m. - "Oh crap....I'm LATE FOR WORK!!"

I believe employers should give their employees just one more day off to recover from the actual chaos of the HoliDAYS. I know, I know, it's just wishful thinking but it would definitely be something to add to my UTOPIA list. But then again, I wouldn't be working in my Utopia.

This past Thanksgiving weekend was GRRREAT (like Tony the Tiger would say). I had Wednesday, before Thanksgiving and Friday, after Thanksgiving off from work. I spent most the day Wednesday cleaning and shopping for food. Mostly for food to fill the fridge because my only assignment for Thanksgiving dinner was my candy yams. For Thanksgiving Hobart and I usually do lunch at my parents house and then dinner at his parents house. I heard a typical thanksgiving dinner is 4,000 calories. OK, sooo let's calculate that.......4,000 at lunch + 4,000 at dinner + your typical samoan food (taro, pork, palusami, corned beef....etc.) = Major Caloric Overload. I was definitely hanging towards the end of the day. We did end up going to a dance that night at my dad's ward so that maybe worked off 1/3 of the lunch calories. I'm not complaining though because it is always great being with the ones you love on Holidays.

After dancing the night away, Hobart and I decided to go home, watch movies and try to stay up all night till it was time for us to go check out the Black Friday sales. Didn't work. We were fast asleep within half an hour of pulling in to our drive way. It was probably the enzymes in all that turkey we ate earlier. Luckily, I have a sister who came over at 2:30am to wake us up so we could all go together. They were Black Friday virgins and we've been loyal shoppers for the past 3 years so it was nice to go as a big group this year. I was in the market for a new digital camera this year and Walmart had a great sale. We waited patiently in line with the other shoppers for this camera. As soon as the line opened for the cameras people were just pushing and shoving in front of those that had already been standing in line for hours. UGGHHHH!! Parents were sending their kids to run to the front of the line to get the items they needed. How annoying!! I pushed my way through and held my tongue on several occasions and eventually got what I needed. WHEEWW! I thought I was going to have to handle someone at the register.

Back to reality this morning. No more sleeping in, no more day time TV shows, no more thanksgiving leftovers. Thanksgiving break is all just a blissful memory now. Well, atleast I have a camera to capture them all.

VOTING DAY

The much awaited day is finally here. We've been so buried in media with this election that for the first time I'm really excited to see the results. Hobart and I got up at 6:30 this morning so we can get a head start in the voting lines. It actually wasn't too bad. We were in and out of there within a half hour. It was Hobart's first time voting so, I was a little nervous for him that he would get frustrated with the electronic machine, but it went pretty well.
We don't really consider ourselves very politically involved people. We do have opinions on certain issues but for the most part I would say that we're pretty neutral. I thought it was important this year to register my husband to vote. I explained to him how critical this election was and how important his vote would be.

Well, it's done and our votes are in. YAY!!

HALLOWEEN CHAOS

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. For years, I've always jumped right in to the spirit of halloween. I would purchase my candy for trick-or-treaters atleast a week in advance, if I were dressing up I would have an idea of what my costume would be pretty early in the month, I'd put halloween decorations up, carve pumpkins with my nieces and nephews. It would be nothing but complete Halloween bliss! This year --NOTHING! I haven't purchased halloween candy, I don't have a costume (for the halloween party that my husband and I are supposedly "hosting"), there are no spooky decorations up, and no cute pumpkin sitting on my doorstep. To top it off, IT'S HALLOWEEN TODAY. I've been at work all day today stressing about tonight. Hobart, (my husband), keeps assuring me that he's got everything under control. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! His definition of "under control" is as long as our house hasn't burned down everything is (repeat with me) "under control". This is the same guy that once plugged our christmas lights in to our swamp cooler on the roof and blew out the motor. Yup, same guy. He's been at home today getting everything ready for tonight. Maybe I don't give him enough credit. We'll just have to see. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!